


Back and to the Future: Castiel

by Teemfr3_Cherryscone



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst and Feels, Break Up, Crying, Depression, Gen, Guilt, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Ignored, Loss, Men Crying, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suffering, Suicide Attempt, Survivor Guilt, Walks In The Woods
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:55:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22043662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Teemfr3_Cherryscone/pseuds/Teemfr3_Cherryscone
Summary: Following Castiel in episode 15x01 after Dean checks in with him, at the end of the episode. Added on made-up scene to 15x01, may go against storyline/adapted for fic. A "Meanwhile Castiel" fic.Castiel needs a moment to himself after he and the Winchesters re-group and gather their bearings. Dean is short with him and Castiel can't help feeling guilty and hurt. He feels driven to extremes...
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Castiel/Sam Winchester
Kudos: 28





	Back and to the Future: Castiel

Castiel is relieved. Dean is asking him if he's alright and taking the time to really look Castiel in the eye, to be physically close to him. He lets out a sigh of relief, wanting to tell Dean everything on his mind in this moment. To really talk. 

"Yes, but..." That's all that Dean allows of Cas by way of reply. He cuts Castiel off and his tone is biting.

"Good." And just like that, his back is once again turned on Cas and he's very pointedly moving away from him.

Castiel’s throat catches, the inside of his chest tightenening as Dean coldly turns a shoulder and walks away. Belphegor is saying something, but all sound seems to muffle into a steady hum. Not caring to plead forgiveness on deaf ears, Castiel heads off in the opposite direction, to think…to not think…to attempt one more time, if possible…if God really has left, for good, maybe this time…

With his angel blade resting at his wrist, Castiel finds sanctuary in a nearby stretch of woods. Knowing he won’t be missed for the time it would take the Winchesters to tie loose ends with the locals, the demon in tow not even crossing his mind, Cas goes deeper into the woods not really seeing anything ahead of him, not feeling more than he’d ever allow himself to. When he reaches a clearing, he suddenly collapses, crushing himself against the dirt. His blade falls out of his right sleeve and lands next to a nearby tree, but Castiel doesn’t notice, distracted from the tears streaming down his face. He struggles to suppress the pain, the anguish….Shaking so hard so he’s unable to stand, to get back up. Instead, Castiel props himself up against a tree, hoping the spell will pass soon. While he’s never felt to be truly of any use to Dean or Sam, Castiel knows that his absence on the point of their departure from the scene would cause annoyance and frustration. Would hold them back, slow them down…again. He closes his eyes and starts to pray...

'Jack…Jack, please…forgive me. If you can hear me, I’m sorry. Everything that you’ve suffered, was because of me, and I’m sorry. Please. I love you, Jack.'

Castiel takes deep breaths. His time on earth has been a blessing just as much as a hindrance, over the years. Siding with the Winchesters has meant not being able to access the power an angel could obtain from heaven, while occupying it’s halls. Not absolutely banned from heaven, Naomi has made it clear that a permanent presence would cause unrest amongst the few remaining angels, who proudly call heaven their home. Her believing Castiel would disregard duty and regulations to visit Kelly Kline….or Mary Winchester. Disrupting their heaven.

'Mary….I killed you. I failed you and your family. Yet Dean refuses to do what needs to be done. He refuses to do what I’m incapable of……'

Castiel’s breathing is labored. His chest becomes tight and he's gasping out. Still shaking, he starts to beg '…Dean. Please…' The tears flowing harder now, Castiel leans back against the tree and finally makes up his mind. 

'Now,' he thinks to himself. 'Just do it now!' Without hesitating, he attempts to draw his angel blade with his right hand, from his trench coat. It’s not there. Castiel’s eyes fly open. 'No!' He pats himself, sits upright and takes off his coat, searching both sleeves. 'Where is it!?'

"NO!" he cries. "This has to end, now!!! Please!!!! I can’t anymore…!"  
"Castiel!" Sam’s voice can be heard, nearing. Cas angrily grabs his coat and puts it back on, standing up, just as Sam breaks through the trees and into the clearing.

"Cas! Hey! What are you doing?" Castiel straightens his coat, his back to Sam as he says I thought I heard something. Quickly wiping the tears off his face, he turns around. The look on Sam’s face is pained…'He’s been crying,' Sam thinks to himself. Trying to sound casual..

"Uh, I was wondering if I could get a hand with the locals. Dean and I were thinking of sticking around until we can come up with a back up plan, for when the shield lowers. We were thinking of calling in Rowena. Are…are you okay?" Castiel looks ragged and worn. Tears still sticking to his lashes, Castiel lies to Sam.

"I’m fine." Then after several beats. "Don't ask me what I was doing out here. Don't tell Dean you saw me crying."

Sam looks taken aback, then sighs, knowing that this was coming. Knowing that they were all walking on thin ice. Not saying anything else, both start to head back towards the high school together.

"I’ve lost my angel blade." Castiel's eyes have lost their brightness, and Sam can tell he's physically weak. He shakes his head sadly, knowing there's nothing he can really do. Only his brother could possibly succeed in fixing the parts of Castiel that were so visibly broken.

"We have more in the trunk. You can take one of those. And also Cas…" Sam stops walking, a moment. "Thank you, for what you did. For saving my…" Castiel turns on Sam, abruptly.

"Don’t. Ever. Thank me. For ANYTHING I do." 

The sun setting, neither see the glimmer of light shining off of the angel blade, just a few feet away. 

-The End

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! <3


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